no more. no more of me no more.
I cant continue to do things my way and expect to still be walking alongside god, to gain a deeper intimacy with him.
no more of me.
I used to thing self-glorification was just taking the glory from god, praising yourself and thinking yourself higher than you ought to.
but now I realize that self-glorification has so many more facets.
not following god’s will is a form of self-glorification. doing God’s will is his ultimate glorification, and when one does not follow god’s will then that means they are following their own will, ultimately glorifying themselves.
no more of me no more.
I realize my selfishness and my pride issues run so deep, deep into the way I serve god.
I realize that I would be willing to do what god wants me to do only if it sits right with me—ultimately pleasing myself. I cant serve god when im serving myself. Being Christian isn’t easy...and if it is, you have to wonder why. I struggle constantly with god when he asks me to do something that I don’t want to do. Why? Because I don’t want to give up what I want, my issue of selfishness.
but its not about me... oh lord, its not about me. who am i? do I think of myself more highly than I ought?
I was contemplating for the longest time why this year was so... confusing for me. I mean, no doubt this year was amazing and God is so good, but I didn’t feel grounded—I felt as if I was wandering the grounds in search for a place to belong. I was a bird walking on land instead of flying the heights of the deep sky, soaring with the powerful currents of wind that god leads me to. For some reason, I felt like I wasn’t where god wanted me to be. This journey of searching for the promised land that god was calling me to took me on a wild journey searching for churches and fellowships and just places where I thought he might me calling me to, and unfortunately, this search led me to some unfortunate places. But still, I felt like a wandering nomad, I felt like a foreigner in a land that wasn’t meant for me. Why has this year been a year of directionless wandering for me?
The question that I would ask him constantly is Lord where am I going? could this feeling of restlessness also be a result of not willing to submit to the path he has placed before me, from my desire to implement my plan over His will?
yesterday he showed me my sin in full, and when I realized the depth of my sin, I didn’t know what to do. it was as if a monstrous beast arose inside of me and I didn’t know who I was anymore. In the midst of the chaotic depression I cried out to god in my shame-- Lord who am I?? Lord, I don’t think I can be everything you want me to be, lord im not ready. I cant do this lord, im sorry god, im sorry. I don’t think I can do what youre calling me to do god... im such a failure lord, I cant serve you when im serving myself lord. Lord im sorry I cant.
When I saw how I was only willing to do what God wants me to when I want to do it, I realized—im not even serving god! im only serving him on my own terms, ultimately pleasing myself! I have been glorifying myself this whole time while I was trying and claiming to glorify god! I cant do this, I cant... I need to submit to god., to his pleasing and perfect will. whatever happened to giving my whole heart fully for god? surely I am not if I am still clinging on to my desires. and as god continued to reveal my sin to me, I sat in a state of condemnation. I was so ashamed of myself for claiming to love god with all my heart, yet still not giving him my full heart...what was wrong with me? I couldn’t face god, knowing that I wasn’t truly loving him the way he had called me to love—to love him with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength.
this feeling of heaviness continued to permeate through my heart and my soul for the next couple days. When I get into the heavy state of guilt, its so hard to remind myself that I shouldn’t condemn myself, that really, there is still no condemnation because of Christ Jesus. That no matter how great the magnitude of sin, Christ’s love covers an even greater multitude of sins, far more than the whole weight of the world’s iniquities combined. Its so hard not to keep in that blinding state of sin, to resist from condemning myself after seeing all the things I had committed against him.
then at night I finally came before god, completely broken and just aware of how I was so desperately in need of his love. Finally, after running from god and trying to hide my face from him in shame, I finally came back to him crying on my knees. And right then, at the very moment I finally submitted to him after trying to avoid Him, I felt God’s love embracing me, caressing me, reassuring me even before I could even utter my words of regret and sorrow. Right when my knees hit the ground, the Lord’s love flooded into my heart and cast aside all the burden and the condemnation that was weighing my heart with excruciating heaviness.
He was already waiting for me, waiting for me to come to him because he already had his arms open wide. With his love he beckoned me to approach him, with his love he invited me in despite the state I was in. it was his kindness that drew me nearer to him. Imagine that. he loved me, and he is still loving me despite anything that I do, no matter how great my offense was to him, no matter how often I fail him. its completely unfathomable. yet his love covers a multitude of sins, and his perfect love casts out any and all fear. after seeing the extent to which I had failed god and how I am so desperately in need of him-- to those who has been forgiven much loves much. I pray that I will only continue to understand the depth of my sin and the great extent to which all my iniquities have been washed away, wiped away completely clean with not one speck of dirt remaining, for when I truly comprehend how much Ive been forgiven, that is when I will begin to love those around me more.
perfect love casts out fear,
and Jesus’ unfailing love covers an ocean, a universe, an entire history of sin.
His love most definitely covers a multitude of sins.