sometimes i ask god when these struggles will end; i can feel myself being bombarded with temptations and worldly desires, other times i feel myself drowning in waves of negativity and not being able to see the light and His truths. i guess i just didnt know how to express all that i was going through... until today i just threw my hands onto my piano and started letting the holy spirit play the keys with and through me. And all of a sudden i was led to play the Dessert Song, by Hillsongs
and i was playing the verses and the bridge of this song i started to break down and cry.
"all of my life, in every season, you are still god, i have a reason to sing, i have a reason to worship"
the words that i had trouble articulating in order to express my mind, my thoughts or my heart were found in the the flow of the verses. This song spoke through everything that i was going through and everything that i wanted to be-- to ultimately bring praise to the lord even in my desert, even in the fire, and even in the battle. If god is always my god, then i should be able to rejoice no matter what i am going through, no matter what season i am in, no matter what my earthly lot or circumstance is. i began to weep as i realized that my worth was not founded on him and him alone, and that my joy came from my life circumstances, what I had, or what i did. A part of me places too much worth on these things, which is why i grieve the loss of the ability to sing and speak so much. My grief in these losses reveals the condition of my heart, that i am not yet fully satisfied in God alone because i give so many other things worth in my life. Can I truthfully say that it is well with my soul, even if i am stripped of everything, absolutely everything in this life? Honestly, at this moment i dont think i can. If i truly am satisfied in Him alone, then i would be able to say to him Blessed be Your name despite what he gives or takes away, just as Job did the moment that all his mighty and numerous possessions got stripped away and his sons and daughters suddenly died, and everything he knew to be his world all crumbled in an instant--
At this, Job got up and tore his robe and shaved his head. Then he fell to the ground in worship and said:
“Naked I came from my mother’s womb,
and naked I will depart.[c]
The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away;
may the name of the LORD be praised.”
god i am in so much need of your strength.
i need your grace to praise you in times like these...no matter what season i am in. i need your love to sustain me... i cannot love you on my own. i need your strength to help me surrender. help me to see the absolute magnificence of your worth and beauty so that all these afflictions will become but light and momentary. help me to remember that you are faithful, that you are good, and that you deserve the utmost glory and praise. help me to take my eyes off of myself and my circumstances so that i can lift you high and give you the praise and the glory that you deserve. please lord, let this to be true in my life, let this song to be the cry of my heart--
I believe it, i believe it--when i see your face, its going to be worth it all. Even through trials and tribulations--
when i see your face, its going to be worth it all."