About Me

This blog is dedicated to the glorification of my King Jesus Christ.

Saturday, January 28, 2012

Worth it all

having such a hard week and realizing more and more how crippled and desperate i am for his redeeming love and his grace in my life. every day and every moment i am fighting for his joy to be my strength, fighting for his truths to become a reality for me, and fighting for his love to overcome every fear and obstacle there is in my life.
sometimes i ask god when these struggles will end; i can feel myself being bombarded with temptations and worldly desires, other times i feel myself drowning in waves of negativity and not being able to see the light and His truths. i guess i just didnt know how to express all that i was going through... until today i just threw my hands onto my piano and started letting the holy spirit play the keys with and through me. And all of a sudden i was led to play the Dessert Song, by Hillsongs

and i was playing the verses and the bridge of this song i started to break down and cry.

"all of my life, in every season, you are still god, i have a reason to sing, i have a reason to worship"

the words that i had trouble articulating in order to express my mind, my thoughts or my heart were found in the the flow of the verses. This song spoke through everything that i was going through and everything that i wanted to be-- to ultimately bring praise to the lord even in my desert, even in the fire, and even in the battle. If god is always my god, then i should be able to rejoice no matter what i am going through, no matter what season i am in, no matter what my earthly lot or circumstance is. i began to weep as i realized that my worth was not founded on him and him alone, and that my joy came from my life circumstances, what I had, or what i did. A part of me places too much worth on these things, which is why i grieve the loss of the ability to sing and speak so much. My grief in these losses reveals the condition of my heart, that i am not yet fully satisfied in God alone because i give so many other things worth in my life. Can I truthfully say that it is well with my soul, even if i am stripped of everything, absolutely everything in this life? Honestly, at this moment i dont think i can. If i truly am satisfied in Him alone, then i would be able to say to him Blessed be Your name despite what he gives or takes away, just as Job did the moment that all his mighty and numerous possessions got stripped away and his sons and daughters suddenly died, and everything he knew to be his world all crumbled in an instant--
At this, Job got up and tore his robe and shaved his head. Then he fell to the ground in worship and said:

Naked I came from my mother’s womb,
and naked I will depart.[c]
The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away;
may the name of the LORD be praised

-job 1:20-21

god i am in so much need of your strength.
i need your grace to praise you in times like these...no matter what season i am in. i need your love to sustain me... i cannot love you on my own. i need your strength to help me surrender. help me to see the absolute magnificence of your worth and beauty so that all these afflictions will become but light and momentary. help me to remember that you are faithful, that you are good, and that you deserve the utmost glory and praise. help me to take my eyes off of myself and my circumstances so that i can lift you high and give you the praise and the glory that you deserve. please lord, let this to be true in my life, let this song to be the cry of my heart--

I believe it, i believe it--when i see your face, its going to be worth it all. Even through trials and tribulations--
when i see your face, its going to be worth it all."

Thursday, January 19, 2012

i need your grace

i need
your grace.
i need your grace to get through my day, to sustain me through the night/ darkness and into the daytime, where there are new mercies each day and a joy that comes in the morning.

"But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness ”Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
-2 cor 12:9-10

when i heard this verse being spoken on a friday night worship, it stung my heart. i have been wrestling with my loss of voice for over 3 months now...i strained my voice while singing the wrong way, but ever since that day, my voice has been oscillating and spiraling between an inability to utter sounds, to an ability to speak just loud enough for people to hear me in a quiet room. it has certainly not been easy--to be honest, its been a huge struggle. i remember nights just intensely trying to battle the warfare of the enemy and my mind because I was in such a state of confusion and fear; i lost sight of god's truth and love. I remember some nights where i couldnt pray, didnt know how to pray, didnt know what to pray for, days when i felt discouraged and wanted to give up seeking god's love. i thought my voice was getting better, but then all of a sudden it would spiral down and i would lose it completely again. like paul recieving a thorn in his flesh, i never realized how crippling it could be to lose something so simple-- the ability to talk, and even to sing/ worship--until it was gone.

but just as god spoke to paul in his weakness (while he had a thorn in his flesh) and told him "my grace is sufficient for you," i want that to be the same for me during my time of weakness. by his grace, each day is a new day. each day is another day that i am desperate for more of his grace to wash over my life, to sustain me, to keep me from falling, to remind me of his truths and his love. lord, where would i be without your grace? i would be long gone, i could not keep living.

yesterday i was talking to a friend and expressing my struggles to her, and she reminded me again that it is in my time of weakness that god will be strong. it is in my weakness that his power and his love will be made perfect in me. for the things that i used to be able to do so easily, i will now need to rely on his strength and his grace alone. now i cannot do anything without his grace. perhaps he wants me to emphasize loving people through actions, not just through words. perhaps this physical incapability is an opportunity for me to be solely dependent and desperate for god alone. i am reminded of how utterly weak/ incapable i am, how weak my flesh is,and even, how weak my faith is. but despite this struggle, there have been many times when god's grace would comfort me in my pain, when god's love would carry me through the night. these are the things that i want to recount, these are the thing i want to remember,these are the things i want to hold tightly onto. i want to blog later about and how i am discovering and rediscovering how weak i and how his grace has been sustaining me through this time.

i have yet to see how this whole situation will unfold. i have yet to see this struggle fully redeemed. living in the present of my circumstance, i cannot yet grasp god's perfect plan and redeeming love, how he will turn around all things bad and make all things new. but i know that when i look back on this time, when i have fully overcome this struggle, then i will understand and see how perfect god's plan is, and how his love carried me all the way through.

for now, i want to be content in my lack of understanding concerning my present condition, i want to trust fully and whole-heatedly in him even when i cant see, i want to praise and worship him even in my time of despair.

oh heart, remember that when I am weak, He is so, so strong.
let your grace be sufficient for me. i need your grace.