Heart change

recently ive been asking god for a heart change.
for a complete transformation of my heart, for him to banish all wickedness and all the muck and slimy and grimy dirt that is inside of me.
because lord knows I need it.

ive been asking god to help me love.
like... to really, truly love. to put others needs before my own. to consider them of more worth than me. The type of love in its purest and truest form described in 1 Corinthians.
and what does this entail?
man...
it means giving them more time than you would yourself. it means putting aside the things your homework, your obligations, the things you want to do when you know that your friend is in need. it means being willing to lay down my life for all my friends and even enemies, no matter how close or how unclose we are. to truly love at that deep level is—so, so hard.

sometimes I get tempted to look at how much I fail at loving. how I don’t put others before me, how I don’t know how to care for others, how I still judge people, how I don’t think about my actions and the consequences they have.
looking at how much I fail at loving, or even how I fail in life in general makes my heart feel so heavy, so weighed down.
I always find myself going back to him, telling him, lord im so sorry. im so sorry I wasn’t more patient with her. im so sorry I didn’t consider how my actions would affect him. im so sorry lord, for not reaching out the people who need to know you more.


I just came back from a conference yesterday, and god had told me that he was proud of me. he told me that three times. I couldn’t believe it. the lord? proud of me? what did I ever do to gain his pleasure and his delight? yet its so true... he delights in me because he sees me as pure, he sees me beautiful, he sees where my heart is—my desire to love, my desire to glorify him, my desire to be pure and holy. yet although my outwardly actions do not even come close to where I am aspiring to be, the Lord knows I still desire to be pleasing to him, and that is why he delights in me. he doesn’t see me for the state I am in now, yet he sees me for who I am made in Him. its amazing how the Lord doesn’t see me and my sin, but how I am made new because of Him through Christ Jesus. The Lord’s vision constantly amazes me. How he sees us in completely different eyes. when I look at myself, most times I’m not pleased—I realize over and over again it’s the result of my tendency to look at who I am not rather than who God is. Yet the Lord told me he is pleased in me. the lord told me I was beautiful, and that he loves me. the lord told me that I was special, that he finds so much delight in me, that I am the one who ravishes his heart. And if the Lord says so, it is truth.


truth. its so beautiful.
truth. something that is so rare in a world that distorts the truth from something concrete and absolute to a mere preference, an inclination, a liking. If this seems right to me, then its my truth—you can believe in what you want, and let me believe in what I want. If I like it, and if it fits me, then yeah, I will believe in it. What has truth become? A selfish preference out of a convenience to fit the way they see the world and how they want to perceive the things around them.

but I know what is true.
god is truth.
and he’s proven that to me over and over and over again.
the fact that God’s love is so abundant and so sufficient and so overreaching and so sacrificial and so pure and so glorious is truth.
and he’s revealed that to me over and over and over again.
God’s word is truth.
And if the Lord tells me that he delights in me, that he is proud of me, that he considers me his pure joy, then I need to start changing my vision so that it aligns with the Lord my God’s perspective.


God Loves. He loves you so dearly and so abundantly.

truth.