i was starting to grow weary. last week i found myself burning out, running around doing this or that, going to this prayer meeting or another. My quiet times with God were diminishing significantly. once again, i was being more of a martha than a mary... for one reason or another, I just couldnt sit still. and when I did have some quiet times with god, it seemed harder to connect with him. I was drained out, and what i gave to Jesus weren't the golden hours of my time; rather they were the last-minute moments of my day, wimpy measures of effort to set aside some time for God-- yet it wasnt whole-hearted devotion.
I kept on asking Him,
Lord, why is it that its harder for me to connect with you? why doesn't your presence fill me like it did before when i woke up in the morning or when i read the word, or even when i pray? Lord, am I not seeking your face? am i not desiring to know you lord? Jesus, why does my heart indicate to me that something is amiss... god please enlighten my eyes and show me the areas of my life i need to turn away from...
it was then when i realized that i wasnt giving him all my devotion. I thought i was, because i was doing so many things for him. and i thought i was fervently seeking after him because i was involved with so many prayer meetings...but my attention was divided with ministry , the "things i needed/ felt obligated to do" when in actualilty, god didnt specifically ordain me to do them. I had taken on the self-righteous mentality of "if i don't do it, if im not going to these prayer meetings or doing this and that, then no one else will and nothing will happen."
I was again, caught up in doing things for god and equating his pleasure for me with how much i could do for him, and even expecting him to move according to how much i did or howmany prayer meetings i went to.
but last night i was reminded again, that its not what we can do or how much we can do for god, rather, its about how much we allow God to do things through us.
Because in the end, we are not the ones moving mountains, we are only allowing God to move and work in the way he wants to.