i stopped believing god was enough.
that was it. the moment that i didnt believe god could satisfy me completely was the moment that i lost my complete joy in him and him alone.
and that was when i started looking for other things to satisfy me, turned away from god and towards other things--approval from man, lust of the heart, worldly treasures, material things, identity in ministry or the way people saw me, desire for physical beauty, security in relationships and friendships... and the list goes on.
satisfaction in god alone is the prequel to experiencing a joy that is neverending, a joy that is superseding, a joy that is all encompassing. the moment that you feel as if youve lost the joy you had in the past is probably an indication that you are trying to draw love love and placing your security and trust in something other than the lord jesus christ.
it means that something other than jesus has taken the throne of your heart, that we, just as the israellites, are just as prone to making golden calves and placing idols before worshipping the glorioius king. that i am susceptible and guilty of trading the eternal GLORY and pleasures of worshipping the lord almighty with the oh so fleeting and gilded lusts of the world, that there are idols in my heart that need to be dethroned. for me, so often i feel as if the golden calf is myself. my desires, my plans, my way of doing things, or my lack of willingness to submit to the lord when he calls me to do something.
As i went to my room to pray, i no longer knew what to do with this on-going battle between my flesh and my spirit. i share this struggle of mine because i deem that there are many people other than myself who are struggling with the same issue of lacking joy or not fully believing god is enough.
as i was on my face praying , the lord began to speak to me. these are the words he spoke to my heart, but i pray that this message he gave me does not only benefit me, but also gives you comfort, hope, clarity and direction.
you are drinking from broken cisterns that will never be able to satisfy. only I give the living water you need, and if you truly drink of Me, you will never be thirsty or in want ever again (john 4:13-14). for I, yes I, will satiate every barren place in your heart and in your life. not only will I satisfy your desires, I will bring you life and life in abundance. As you keep drinking of Me, as you keep coming to Me, my waters will keep filling you up and will begin to overflow in you, it will continue to overflow into wellsprings of living water until you are a fountain of life for everyone around you.
do you believe that I am enough?
do you truly love me above all else? your level of contentment in Me is an indicator of who I am to you and how much you love Me, for where your treasure is--there your heart will be. (matt 6:19-24)
thank god the lord is so gracious and so patient with me, especially in my struggles and my sin. i want so desperately for god to fill my heart again, but not only fill it, but completely overwhelm it until i am overflowing in his waves of love and grace so that everyone around me can be touched by the love of jesus christ.