Friday, June 10, 2011
I feel as though I have lost my ability to dream.
I used to dream big dreams , believe in big things, but now things have changed
why is that? what has changed? is it because I have stopped believing that God has wonderful plans for my life? Is it because I am scared to dream? Is it because I don’t believe god can use me in that wide of a scale to bring many people to know him name? or maybe its because i don’t care as much anymore?
I know that God has taken me/is taking me through a season of humilty. Before this year, I would constantly dream of conquering the world for christ. my one mission in life was to go to the hardest, darkest, and most unreached parts of the world and reap a harvest of souls there, see millions saved and come to Christ, and usher in a new revolutionary movement. “god use me to create the next big revival movement!” would be my cry. looking back now, i see how filled with self-pride this dream was, and how i wanted to do big things for Christ because I wanted to be great, to be the most revolutionary missionary there was in all of history. however, this entire year has been a season of continual humbling, of being taken from the high places down to the low so that I could be broken and learn how to truly look upon myself with sober judgment. over this year god has been so gracious in highlighting and emphasizing and giving me insight into one particular aspect of his character—his humility. through his gentleness, through speaking to me in his still small voice, through revealing his love to me in the humble, little, and lowly ways, he has truly been completely redefining how I see him and how I interact with him. truly he came to be in gentleness because he wanted to teach me how to be gentle, and he is showing me his humility, his love for the weak because he wants me to learn how to be meek and humble.
it was not until this year that I was able to fully let go of these big dreams. before, I could not accept the possiblity of not doing “big” with things with my life, of not being at the forefront and center of revival. now as I sit and reflect some more, i am wondering whether i had let go of these dreams as an outcome of this humility training (of learning how to be meek and lowly, instead of dreaming to be great), or if I let go of these dreams as a result of lack of faith, an inability to hope and dare and dream.
as I was again reflecting a few days ago, I came to another conclusion—
I have lost my childlike faith in god.
its been very interesting because as i read the word, god continually shows me/brings me to passages that talk about children. and through this I have gained more insight into what it means to be “childlike”—
a child has a simple mind with few worries and little agenda,
a child is vulnerable and humble
a child is pure and innocent of heart and mind, untainted
a child is constantly fascinated and curious with the world around him
a child has a very tender and malleable heart
a child finds his primary identity in what his parents tell him
a child is completely dependent upon his parents and absolutely trusts and believes his parents
and as i was thinking about all these characteristics of being childlike, I realized how I lacked most, if not all of them. some thing that particularly grieves my heart is that ive lost my utter fascination and awed-struck wonder of god. i am not as captivated by him as I used to be, not as fascinated when he would tell me secrets or show me different things. I realized how my heart has lost its tenderness, how I have grown more calloused, more tainted.
before, following god was so easy because that’s the only thing I cared about, but recently, it has been a struggle to want to desire to seek god. I want him... but I also want to desire to want him because I feel that my heart isn’t always 100 percent there.
granted, I am doing a lot better than I was last month, and I know god is slowly restoring me but still i realize that i do not know how to love god rightly... how i am so far from correctly loving god. God has been so gracious to me though. I'm not sure how long i will be in this dry season, but each day i am more convinced that god is with me and hes holding my hand. tonight (just a little before this) i was crying out to god and asking him to help me love him more, and help me to break my hardened heart. and as i was crying out to him i kept on asking him to show me why my heart was so hardened, what unconfessed sins were in my life, and what i needed to change about my life. a little while later my friend called me to catch up, and i began to share with her this issue and she gave me more understanding into my situation when she said--"do you think god is bringing you into this season of dryness so that you could better relate to the people around you and in your church?"
wow! so true... many people who have always grown up in the church, sadly, have the most hardened hearts of all. perhaps god wants me to understand not just my church, but america more. I never have really experienced a lack of desire for god before this point and therefore could not even begin to understand how people could be passive with god. i think that actually going through this season has really opened my eyes and my heart to be more sensitive to the needs of the people at my church, and the people around me who are also struggling with a hardened heart.
battling through with a calloused heart is not easy. but i believe god will redeem it for his glory, like he redeems, restores and renews everything, even transforming what was bad and meant for harm into something good and beautiful.
please god, take me back to the beginning with you, to that day you won my heart and completely captivated me with your love. oh would you tenderize again this calloused heart of mine again, and make it malleable and shapable in your hands.
and if god is big and limitless, then truly anything is possible--and i do wish to dream again.
i want to dream so badly,to hope and believe and soar in the boundless skies with him again.
I want to dare to dream big dreams, and have big visions... because our god is a big god.