Broken at the Altar (poem)

Cross, oh cross
Why have you abandoned me?

From the depths of despondency I desperately cry out to you.
No response.
Engulfed in the fire of pain and iniquities.

Cross, I need you!
Yet your perfect figure stands atop the altar emotionless, lifelessly staring back at me--
With no sign of acknowledgement or consolation,
You lifelessly stare back at me--
Silent, ignoring my pleas and cries for healing.

Cross, oh cross
Why do you not answer?
Why do you choose to leave me so?


Alone, I stand.
My cries reverberating piercingly across the sanctuary.
Alone, I come to you at the altar of consecration, sanctification
The weight of all my iniquities,
The burden of all my shame flowing through my veins.
Piling onto me like the chasms of chaos,
Onto me like stone bricks, each one heavier than the one before.
Feeling entirely exposed and vulnerable to everything within me and everything against you.
Fully aware now, of my desecration, my violations.
My sins.


Forsaking everything I am and everything that I once was,
I took a few steps closer until I was directly below you.
Completely and utterly broken-
I threw my knees down to the carpeted floor,
My head bowed down before you until I could scarcely breathe.


Forgive me, for I have sinned.

Forgive me, Lord, for my deeds and my actions,
For my impure mind and my unclean lips.
For my deceit and conceit.
Forgive me, Lord, for everything I have done against you-
For all the times I have turned away, forsaken you-
For all those times I pushed you aside and put idols before you.
Forgive me Lord, for I am such a sinful and wretched being, so undeserving of everything you have given me and showered upon my feet.

Forgive me Lord, for I have sinned.


Weeping uncontrollably and broken on my knees,
You embraced me into your abounding arms of grace and mercy.


I still love you, my beloved child,

I still love you.

************

I had written this poem 3 years ago, during my junior year in highschool. I remember first writing it because I had become so overwhelmed with the depth of my sin... I cant really recall what was happening at the time, but I do know that it had been a rough week and a tough time in my life, and I kept seeing uglier and nastier sides of my heart that I hadnt even known ever existed. My skin was being stripped away, layer by layer, and i felt utterly naked and depraved. This was the first time I saw myself for how bad I truly was. I was undone. Out of the depths of my heart, I strung together this poem, hoping to bring reconciliation between me and God. After going back to him and recieving grace and seeing for the first time how utterly wicked my heart was, yet learning that God still embraced me in my uncleanliness --compelled me to write this ending. I had cried out to God in my depression, and he came and comforted me. I called, and He answered.

Looking back, now I would write this poem with less focus on my sin and more focus on the cross and how I am made completely whole and completely new in his blood. However, I still want to preserve the authenitcity of this poem, because it was and still is one of my most cherished writings because I had poured my whole heart into writing this. So here it is... my raw poetry. Not the best poetry, but written from a sincere heart that was longing for God's redemptive love.


And so I thought it would be appropriate to share this poem with you all since today is good friday. The day that Jesus bore all my and your sins upon his shoulder and gave us his holiness and his righteousness. Even though He knew no sin whatsoever, he became sin for us, so that we could be righteous, and so we could then inherit His own right standing and perfect relationship with God! I was reflecting upon the fact that the the God of the universe would come on Earth TO die. He came to Earth knowing he would die, he came to live for the purpose of dying. So many times in the gospels Jesus warns his disciples over and over again the death that he would undergo for the sake of the world. He walked on the earth already knowing His destiny on the cross--YET he did NOT shrink back from the most devastating pain ever known in the history of mankind. He would not even alleviate his pain one centimeter less by drinking the wine given to him by the soldier while he was on the cross. He took our sin and the suffering to the fullest and most extreme extent, all the way onto death, onto the very end.


Our extreme sin calls for an extreme solution.
And this solution is through Cgrist Jesus's extreme sacrifice and suffering on the cross.
That, my friends.... this is extreme love, love in the rawest form, poured out and lasvished upon us.

May you let his love and sacrifice wash you anew this weekend. :]