This week is byfar one of the weirdest/ hardest weeks ive had thus far.
I don’t really know where to start…
So I guess ill just begin with last week…for some reason I was having suicidal thoughts. I know this sounds morbid and scary, but I don’t know how to describe what im going through without telling this part as well. I had come back from a worship/ prayer time at PIHOP, and all of a sudden I was consumed with dark thoughts… I wanted to die, and didn’t want to live anymore, I hated the people around me, I just wanted to be alone. And I thought, “why am I feeling this way? This doesn’t make any sense…” I really didn’t know what was happening and I was too tired to fight so I went to sleep asking god to take these thoughts/ feelings of bitter negativity away from me. I woke up the next morning, still not feeling refreshed, a sense of heaviness still weighing upon my heart. The whole week was just… weird. Battling daily, fighting, being wounded by the devil’s sword, praying, and not knowing what was wrong with me, being overwhelmed with emotions ive never felt before.
Last weekend I stayed in Irvine because I needed to do a group project, so I couldn’t go home (which I usually try to come home every weekend to attend my home church and see my family). Whenever I am in irvine, I visit this church called Blessed, and every time I have went I truly have been blessed with the Lords love and presence, and just by the people there. Then during prayer time, the pastor came up and said, “I sense that some of you are struggling with the spirit of death, and that it has been plaguing you over this past week. If you need prayer raised your hand.”
And when he said that, I thought to myself, “omygosh… so that’s what ive been battling through this whole week… a spirit of death.” With the new clarity I had received, I raised my hand to receive prayer.afterwards I met up with my friends from vegas (they had come to visit cali and came to Blessed as well) and I told Ron how the prayer really touched my heart and the how pastor was spot on. Ron then received a word of knowledge from god, in which he told me that the reason why im struggling with his is because I was advancing in the spirit, and Satan felt threatened so he is trying to hinder my relationship with God. But more importantly, my friend told me that the main reason why I have a spirit of death is because someone around me is struggling with this, and that they are unable to pray so God gave me this burden so that I can intercede on their behalf. When ron told me this, I was struck. a few people came to my mind, so afterwards I prayed for them, not really knowing what to do.
The next day on Monday I was still trying to grapple with my thoughts when my friend called me to tell me she was coming to pick me up to go to JHOP (Irvine’s house of prayer, J stands for Jericho). Right after I got off the phone with her, I was overwhelmed with an intense feeling of unrest; my spirit was not at peace at all. I tried to pray it off, but I couldn’t shake the feeling off of me and I was thinking, Lord, why am I feeling this?? This doesn’t make any sense… God is there something wrong with me? What are you trying to show me? Later when my friend picked me up and I got in her car, I told her what I was struggling with, and about my weekend and how God was trying t help me feel other peoples emotions in order for me to better intercede for them. If I can feel the spirit of death from other people, then perhaps people’s emotions transfer onto me and im able to feel them as well? After I finished talking, she looked at me and was completely silent.
“omg jamie… what are you feeling right now?”
“im sorry joyce… I think youre feeling my emotions right now. I really have this spirit of fear, and ive not been at peace because its overwhelming me”
So after this car ride it became more obvious to me that perhaps a lot of other weird thoughts ive been having might not actually be of me, but God trying to help me become aware of other’s emotions. When I stepped into Jhop, I wanted just to rest in his presence and have the Lord’s peace wash over all the anxiety and weariness that I had been wrestling with that day. But when I tried to worship God, I couldn’t. There was this extreme pressure on my chest, and I couldn’t find it in my heart to bring myself to worship Him. I tried to pray it off, but surprisingly, I found that I couldn’t even bring myself to pray, much less speak his name out loud.
“okay Lord… something is definitely very wrong. God I don’t know whether this is my feelings/ something wrong with me, and attack from satan, or someone else emotions.” I sat there for a while not knowing what to do, feeling a bit helpless. “lord… please help me… I don’t know how to pray at this moment…”
“but I cant lord, I cant even open my mouth to pray to you”
“okay, alright god… If I pray and this thing goes away, then that means that this someone else’s burden”
After this I prayed for a while, and when I stopped praying I noticed the pressure on my chest was completely gone. At that moment I realized that someone in the room was struggling with the inability to worship God, so I asked the people around me if they needed prayer.
All this took place Sunday/ Monday.
The rest of my week started going more downhill… for some reason I just didn’t have any desire at all to spend time with god. I didn’t want to talk to him, and I just wanted to ignore him. It was completely bizarre. I did not even touch my bible this whole week, much less pray. My prayers were basically… measly ten minutes, prayers to the air, a prayer “just to pray”… if that makes sense. I couldn’t comprehend what was going on, and why my heart was so hardened. It was so horrific... i felt as if my spirit was literally dying inside of me.
The thing that scares me even more is that sometimes its really hard for me to discern whether the things im struggling with/ the emotions im receiving is really of me or someone elses’. And when I receive things that I normally don’t feel, my first thought is, “ something must be wrong with me.” The lines become blurred and suddenly, someone else’s emotions really mistakenly become mine, and I become overwhelmed with these weird thoughts/ feelings that im having. As my friend was praying for me a few days ago, God was giving me a lot of clarity concerning my situation and told me that what He has given me—the ability to literally feel what other people are feeling—is a gift to bless others, but that satan has been putting a lot of fear into my heart and trying to confuse/ distract me.
So on Friday, God showed me who exactly was struggling with the spirit of death.
That’s a whole other story but I think for now… if those of you who are reading could pray on behalf of my friend-- she is really struggling with so much...-- that she may come to the full revelation of the depth, height, width, and length of God's perfect love for her, and to believe that God is still with her.
and also for me, that god may give me a spirit of wisdom, discernment and love so I can really properly use this gift to reach out to others in the way that God wants me to. Im still not sure why I have such a complacent/ hardened heart right now but I think god’s clarity is so crucial so that I may not be overwhelmed with all these different thoughts and emotions that are invading me, but that I may be able to utilize this gift so that i may intercede on behalf of others with all my heart, mind, strength, and soul.