i need
your grace.
i need your grace to get through my day, to sustain me through the night/ darkness and into the daytime, where there are new mercies each day and a joy that comes in the morning.
"But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness ”Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
-2 cor 12:9-10
when i heard this verse being spoken on a friday night worship, it stung my heart. i have been wrestling with my loss of voice for over 3 months now...i strained my voice while singing the wrong way, but ever since that day, my voice has been oscillating and spiraling between an inability to utter sounds, to an ability to speak just loud enough for people to hear me in a quiet room. it has certainly not been easy--to be honest, its been a huge struggle. i remember nights just intensely trying to battle the warfare of the enemy and my mind because I was in such a state of confusion and fear; i lost sight of god's truth and love. I remember some nights where i couldnt pray, didnt know how to pray, didnt know what to pray for, days when i felt discouraged and wanted to give up seeking god's love. i thought my voice was getting better, but then all of a sudden it would spiral down and i would lose it completely again. like paul recieving a thorn in his flesh, i never realized how crippling it could be to lose something so simple-- the ability to talk, and even to sing/ worship--until it was gone.
but just as god spoke to paul in his weakness (while he had a thorn in his flesh) and told him "my grace is sufficient for you," i want that to be the same for me during my time of weakness. by his grace, each day is a new day. each day is another day that i am desperate for more of his grace to wash over my life, to sustain me, to keep me from falling, to remind me of his truths and his love. lord, where would i be without your grace? i would be long gone, i could not keep living.
yesterday i was talking to a friend and expressing my struggles to her, and she reminded me again that it is in my time of weakness that god will be strong. it is in my weakness that his power and his love will be made perfect in me. for the things that i used to be able to do so easily, i will now need to rely on his strength and his grace alone. now i cannot do anything without his grace. perhaps he wants me to emphasize loving people through actions, not just through words. perhaps this physical incapability is an opportunity for me to be solely dependent and desperate for god alone. i am reminded of how utterly weak/ incapable i am, how weak my flesh is,and even, how weak my faith is. but despite this struggle, there have been many times when god's grace would comfort me in my pain, when god's love would carry me through the night. these are the things that i want to recount, these are the thing i want to remember,these are the things i want to hold tightly onto. i want to blog later about and how i am discovering and rediscovering how weak i and how his grace has been sustaining me through this time.
i have yet to see how this whole situation will unfold. i have yet to see this struggle fully redeemed. living in the present of my circumstance, i cannot yet grasp god's perfect plan and redeeming love, how he will turn around all things bad and make all things new. but i know that when i look back on this time, when i have fully overcome this struggle, then i will understand and see how perfect god's plan is, and how his love carried me all the way through.
for now, i want to be content in my lack of understanding concerning my present condition, i want to trust fully and whole-heatedly in him even when i cant see, i want to praise and worship him even in my time of despair.
oh heart, remember that when I am weak, He is so, so strong.
let your grace be sufficient for me. i need your grace.
as i was standing by the ocean admiring the calm tides melting in and out of the mass body of water,
i felt the lord telling me
"my love for you is more vast than the ocean"
and i tried to visually picture what that meant. my eyes began to scan the waters and search the ocean to and fro, to try to measure the length of the ocean, to try to fathom the depths of the sea, to grasp my head around the amount of water that must lie in just the pacific ocean. and as i searched the ocean, i could see the waters dominate for hundreds and hundreds of miles on end; so vast was this ocean that the towering moiuntains just faintly rose from behind this sea of goliath.
wow. how far even just this body of water stretched i do not even know, nor can i fully grasp it all. there came a point as i was examining the ocean when i could no longer see it anymore. perhaps that was where the ocean ended, or perhaps that was the point where my limited peripheral vision could no longer see any further. whichever the reason, god reminded me that yes, no matter how immeasurable and immense the ocean may seem, there is a point where it ends, and where i wont be able to see it. but there is no shore to god's ocean of love. its waters continue on and on, stretching millions and billions of miles on end. there is no boundary line of his love where the land meets the sea, where the waters stop rising and falling. and even when i cant see it with my own limited mind and eyes, even when i think it has stopped after a certain amount of enormousity-- gods love still continues, even when i cant see it or even when im not aware that its there. even when i think that god has loved and given enough to me -- no, there is still more love that god wants to pour out, more of himself he wants to give because there is no limit.
it amazed me that at the moment when i was marveling at the utter vastness of this ocean, the lord would tell me that love is even greater than this. how much more unsearchable, unfathomable, and unlimited his love for you and me must be!
lord help this limited mind grasp the full depth of your limitless love. i confess lord that my view of you is still so narrow and small, and i do not know if i still fully understand this revelation of your love... but please, help me to really know your love, beyond what i knew growing up, beyond what little i know of it now. give me eyes to see when i cannot percieve and give me ears to hear when i cannot understand.
“What no eye has seen,
what no ear has heard,
and what no human mind has conceived”[b]—
the things God has prepared for those who love him—
these are the things God has revealed to us by his Spirit.
-(1 cor 2:9-10)
theres a cry in my heart
for your glory to fall
for your presence to fill up
my senses.
theres a yearning again,
a thirst for discipline,
a hunger for thigs that are deeper
could you take me beyond?
could you carry me through
if i open my heart could i go there with you?
cause ive been there before
and i know theres still more
oh lord i need to know you.
for what do i have? if i dont have you jesus
what in this life could mean anymore
you are my rock
you are my glory
you are the lifter of my head
wow. as this song was running through my head, i shockingly realized how much the words paralled exactly what i was going through in my life, word for word.
i had listened to this song 4 years ago and it was one of my favorite songs back then, but i didnt really understand it. the chorus was the most catchy to me, as it resonated with how i felt about having jesus mean the world to me.
but now listening to this song, i realize that its a song that most depicts the prodigal son. how the son left the father in search for his own desires and riches but after dabbling in these worldy pleasures, he relizes that he has nothing and is nothing without the father. the son returns to the father in search for a life more than what haswhen he was living as he pleased. he realizes everything he once had and everything hes lost through the cry of his heart to be once again in the presence of the father.
and after trying to live life my own way,
i am exhausted.
there is no joy in following the things that i please, in placing more gravity on the ephemeral rather than the eternal. i want to return back to the father--and there is a cry once again in my heart for his intimate presence, a thirst and a hunger for things that are deeper, for things that cannot be found by merely searching in the physical. i realize that this need cannot be satisfied through the people i surround myself with, the things that i buy, the identity that i try to create, the love that i find, or even the amount of "holy" things that i do. this ringing yearning for more-- only god himself can satisfy.
could you take me beyond? can you carry me through? if i open my heart, could i go there with you? lord, i want to go to a place beyond that is more heart-penetrating, more wholesomely-satisfying, more thirst-quenching than the shallow waters that i have been setting foot in. but at the same time im scared. i dont really know why... i dont want to hold any of myself from him but i feel hesistant to pour everything i have. i feel as if a part of me is scared to let go of the things that i have because i am too focused on the death of self, the sacrifice, than the resurrection and exceeding life that follows. lord could you carry me through, because i dont know if i can ever make this on my own. lord, if i open my heart, could i go to that sweet, secret place with you? can you take me there once again, even if the attempts of my heart are still so feeble?
for surely i have been there before, and i know that there is so much more. i know in the deepest deep that there is so much more than the life that i am living now. lord, i remember. i remember those times when i would go so deep with you, when i was filled with exhilirating joy at every word of the living scriptures, when i would gaze at the sky with love-struck wonderment and daze at the beauty of your majesty, when i would wake up every morning afreshed and awakened by the overflowing love that you poured into my heart.
when all i wanted was to be intimately and deeply in communion with you.
oh lord... i need to know you.
for what do i have, if i dont have you? what in the whole universe could possibly replace you? what in the whole world could compare to you? what in this life could mean more than you, could hold more weight or significance than you? if i dont have all of you lord, i have nothing. no amount of intelligence or beauty or glory or talent or relationships or possesions or passion would be sufficient enough to even come close in worth.
oh lord, i need to know you.
please take this wandering heart of mine and fulfill the cry of my heart.
i have experienced the joy of knowing what god feels when one sinner repents, when one soul turns to jesus and all of heaven is rejoicing and celebrating over this seemingly small, but truly great victory.
in japan i had the amazing oppurtunity to share the gospel to three people, and out of the three, one of them accepted. although the numbers are so few, i felt god's heart and his love when i was sharing the gospel to that one individual who accepted the gospel and wanted to receive jesus christ as his personal savior and lord! hallelujiah! and as we prayed together for the first time (his name was shogo), i was moved to tears to see how his heart was so open to Jesus, and how he was asking God into his life. truly, all of heaven was dancing and celebrating because the stronghold of hades has been broken from his heart, because of this small but truly life changing and significant decision to follow after Jesus. even though he was just one person i know god was pleased.
a lot of people call japan the missionary graveyard. coming out of japan, i can understand and see why. i was told that it takes an average of about 10-20 years for a person to truly accept christ into their life. No doubt, japan is definately hard soil to toil in, and i dont know if i can explain all of their social, cultural and religious barriers by just blogging about it here. it was personally very hard for me as well, but one thing i am thankful for is the oppurtunity to share the gospel with a few people in japan, because even getting the oppurtunity to share is more difficult.
even though it seems like god's spirit is moving slowly through the country of japan, i know it doesnt have to be. i know that the lord has the power to turn hearts and transform lives in an instant. i know that once a person encounters the living love of christ, their life will never be the same-- because god's love is that strong. oh holy spirit, would you truly enliven and enlighten the japanese's hearts to the knowledge that there is an amazing father in heaven who loves them beyond what they could even fathom, that there is a love greater than what they could ever hope for or imagine. abba father would you encounter your japanese sons and daughters with your love in a way that is life changing--and in a way where they cannot deny surrendering all of their past for the sake of following after you!
god chooses the weak to shame the strong,
the foolish things of this world to shame the wise,
the despised things of the world to shame the glorious and glamourous.
why was Israel, out of all the many various tribes and nations, chosen to be the channel of blessing in which all the world might be saved? Why was Israel picked to be the most abundant, overflowing, and victorious nation, the one whom god gaurded, protected, and blessed? Why was Israel privliedged to be the people who would see God's glory and majesty displayed like no other, set apart since the very beginning of time to be a holy priesthood and nations for the manifesting glory of god?
because israel was the smallest and most despised tribe at the time.
no one would ever suspect that such a small nation would be strong enough to defeat the hittites, the amaelekites, the egyptians. but that is the beauty of god. he loves to exalt the lowly and bring down the haughty. He loves to use the most unexpected people, the most foolish things to bring him the most glory so that the world will know that it cannot be a result of humanly strength, wisdom, or power--but only through God and God alone.
and even though the churches may be small here in Japan,
even though there may be few believers,
even though it may seem almost impossible for the nation of Japan to come to to the genuine saving knowledge of christ,
even though it may seem like japan is the most unlikely country to truly love you because of so many hardened hearts,
lord i believe that you have great plans for the nation.
Something that I've noticed here in Japan is that the believers and the missionaries here have great endurance, for the pastor stated that the average believer takes about 10-20 years to fully make the decision of accepting christ. But the chritans here are true believers, for they do not take christianity lightly. The missionaries and Christains here know what it means to be patient and long-suffering. I see a certain humility in the japanese church's hearts. Because they are small they know they need to lean on Him for strength.
Lord i believe that you will use the small churches here in japan to bring you the utmost glory, to usher in a reviving of the peoples hearts. I believe that you desire to pour out your spirit and Your love upon this nation like new wine, revitalizing the nation's heartbeat after you once again. I believe you will change and break this nation to be one who shines in the darkness-- and you will do it through the few believers and the small churches here in this land, through the meek and the lowly. For when we are weak, Lord You and strongest.
and that is all we need.
It is currently 2am in japan, and this is my 5th day here. All my teamates have already gone to bed, but I feel compelled to write for a bit. god has been definitely been challenging me and stretching me so much, but he still knows how much I can handle and what I cant handle. I feel like I am a rubber band being stretched out to what I think is the farthest it can go, but since rubber is elastic, there is never an end to how much more it can be stretched. i keep on thinking and asking god, how much more must i endure? Even though I felt that I was being stretched beyond my limit, I have a feeling that God is telling me that he wants to stretch my wineskin more so that there will be more room for him to pour more in. the intense stretching and the breaking of my outer man has definately been an excruciatingly painful process, but i want to hold on to the the hope that at the end of the fire, i will have a heart, a passion, and a faith that is as pure as gold.
One thing that im struggling with is hearing god clearly here in japan. I don’t know if its because theres something wrong with me, whether it’s the environment that im in, or whether its god choosing to be more silent so that I could learn how to trust him more…but not clearly being able to hear him when I need him most has been definitely a challenge to me. I was struggling with the spirit of fear as I was coming into japan… fears and doubts about this missions trip. I must confess that I was questioning god’s plan for my life—questioning him calling me to japan, questioning why i was put in this team, and questioning whether or not it was truly worthwhile to come here for only three weeks. will me being here for such a short period of time be enough to bear fruit? i am definately so far from being perfect, as i realize that my trust in god is still small.
Something that god showed me when this year started was that this would be the year that he would grow me in stature and character, and i was so excited when i first heard this. Little did I know though, that growing in stature meant the stripping and pruning of the things that are ungodly—desires that are not of him, my habits that are not of him, different mindsets, my sins....its definately not been easy though, but i know that this discipline god takes me through will in turn reap a harvest of righteousness. a verse that comes to mind that has been so comforting in this time of testing is hebrews 12--
7 It is for discipline that you endure; God deals with you as with sons; for what son is there whom his father does not discipline? ... Furthermore, we had earthly fathers to discipline us, and we respected them; shall we not much rather be subject to the Father of spirits, and live? 10 For they disciplined us for a short time as seemed best to them, but He disciplines us for our certain good, so that we may share His holiness. 11 All discipline for the moment seems not to be joyful, but sorrowful; yet to those who have been trained by it, afterwards it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness.
- hebrews 12: 7-11
god disciplines us becasue he want us to be more holy like him, to bear the fruit of righteousness when we have been constantly trained and refined. this fruit of righteosness that we bear will result in a conformity to gods will in purpose, thought, and action, resulting in right living and right standing with god ( taken from the amplified bible). i definately feel like god has been disciplining me and training me to endure during this season of growing in stature and character. . i can see the ways in which he is shaping me to be more perservering, to be more patient, to be more loving, and to be long-suffering. all of these qualities and characterisitics goes hand in hand with the building of stature and charater... and will probably take you through the most painful journey to learn and obtain these characteristics. perhaps this japan trip will be the ultimate test of my character, a place where god wants to refine me even more quickly because he wants my life to bear a greater harvest of righteousness and holiness. During this time in japan, i have been clinging onto this praticular verse for comfort--
5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart
And do not lean on your own understanding.
6 In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He will make your paths straight
-(Proverbs 3:5-6)
lord help me to see with your eyes and love with your heart. not by my power or my own strength, but it is only by and through your spirit oh lord that these people in japan will be changed. oh lord i want to trust that your ways are truly higher than mine and your thoughts so much deeper than what i can even begin to fathom so i will not lean on my own understanding, on what i see and hear through these human eyes.
to go where you go
to say what you say
to serve how you serve
to love how you love
to do what you do
i will follow you.
I feel as though I have lost my ability to dream.
I used to dream big dreams , believe in big things, but now things have changed
why is that? what has changed? is it because I have stopped believing that God has wonderful plans for my life? Is it because I am scared to dream? Is it because I don’t believe god can use me in that wide of a scale to bring many people to know him name? or maybe its because i don’t care as much anymore?
I know that God has taken me/is taking me through a season of humilty. Before this year, I would constantly dream of conquering the world for christ. my one mission in life was to go to the hardest, darkest, and most unreached parts of the world and reap a harvest of souls there, see millions saved and come to Christ, and usher in a new revolutionary movement. “god use me to create the next big revival movement!” would be my cry. looking back now, i see how filled with self-pride this dream was, and how i wanted to do big things for Christ because I wanted to be great, to be the most revolutionary missionary there was in all of history. however, this entire year has been a season of continual humbling, of being taken from the high places down to the low so that I could be broken and learn how to truly look upon myself with sober judgment. over this year god has been so gracious in highlighting and emphasizing and giving me insight into one particular aspect of his character—his humility. through his gentleness, through speaking to me in his still small voice, through revealing his love to me in the humble, little, and lowly ways, he has truly been completely redefining how I see him and how I interact with him. truly he came to be in gentleness because he wanted to teach me how to be gentle, and he is showing me his humility, his love for the weak because he wants me to learn how to be meek and humble.
it was not until this year that I was able to fully let go of these big dreams. before, I could not accept the possiblity of not doing “big” with things with my life, of not being at the forefront and center of revival. now as I sit and reflect some more, i am wondering whether i had let go of these dreams as an outcome of this humility training (of learning how to be meek and lowly, instead of dreaming to be great), or if I let go of these dreams as a result of lack of faith, an inability to hope and dare and dream.
as I was again reflecting a few days ago, I came to another conclusion—
I have lost my childlike faith in god.
its been very interesting because as i read the word, god continually shows me/brings me to passages that talk about children. and through this I have gained more insight into what it means to be “childlike”—
a child has a simple mind with few worries and little agenda,
a child is vulnerable and humble
a child is pure and innocent of heart and mind, untainted
a child is constantly fascinated and curious with the world around him
a child has a very tender and malleable heart
a child finds his primary identity in what his parents tell him
a child is completely dependent upon his parents and absolutely trusts and believes his parents
and as i was thinking about all these characteristics of being childlike, I realized how I lacked most, if not all of them. some thing that particularly grieves my heart is that ive lost my utter fascination and awed-struck wonder of god. i am not as captivated by him as I used to be, not as fascinated when he would tell me secrets or show me different things. I realized how my heart has lost its tenderness, how I have grown more calloused, more tainted.
before, following god was so easy because that’s the only thing I cared about, but recently, it has been a struggle to want to desire to seek god. I want him... but I also want to desire to want him because I feel that my heart isn’t always 100 percent there.
granted, I am doing a lot better than I was last month, and I know god is slowly restoring me but still i realize that i do not know how to love god rightly... how i am so far from correctly loving god. God has been so gracious to me though. I'm not sure how long i will be in this dry season, but each day i am more convinced that god is with me and hes holding my hand. tonight (just a little before this) i was crying out to god and asking him to help me love him more, and help me to break my hardened heart. and as i was crying out to him i kept on asking him to show me why my heart was so hardened, what unconfessed sins were in my life, and what i needed to change about my life. a little while later my friend called me to catch up, and i began to share with her this issue and she gave me more understanding into my situation when she said--"do you think god is bringing you into this season of dryness so that you could better relate to the people around you and in your church?"
wow! so true... many people who have always grown up in the church, sadly, have the most hardened hearts of all. perhaps god wants me to understand not just my church, but america more. I never have really experienced a lack of desire for god before this point and therefore could not even begin to understand how people could be passive with god. i think that actually going through this season has really opened my eyes and my heart to be more sensitive to the needs of the people at my church, and the people around me who are also struggling with a hardened heart.
battling through with a calloused heart is not easy. but i believe god will redeem it for his glory, like he redeems, restores and renews everything, even transforming what was bad and meant for harm into something good and beautiful.
please god, take me back to the beginning with you, to that day you won my heart and completely captivated me with your love. oh would you tenderize again this calloused heart of mine again, and make it malleable and shapable in your hands.
and if god is big and limitless, then truly anything is possible--and i do wish to dream again.
i want to dream so badly,to hope and believe and soar in the boundless skies with him again.
I want to dare to dream big dreams, and have big visions... because our god is a big god.
