i need
your grace.
i need your grace to get through my day, to sustain me through the night/ darkness and into the daytime, where there are new mercies each day and a joy that comes in the morning.
"But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness ”Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
-2 cor 12:9-10
when i heard this verse being spoken on a friday night worship, it stung my heart. i have been wrestling with my loss of voice for over 3 months now...i strained my voice while singing the wrong way, but ever since that day, my voice has been oscillating and spiraling between an inability to utter sounds, to an ability to speak just loud enough for people to hear me in a quiet room. it has certainly not been easy--to be honest, its been a huge struggle. i remember nights just intensely trying to battle the warfare of the enemy and my mind because I was in such a state of confusion and fear; i lost sight of god's truth and love. I remember some nights where i couldnt pray, didnt know how to pray, didnt know what to pray for, days when i felt discouraged and wanted to give up seeking god's love. i thought my voice was getting better, but then all of a sudden it would spiral down and i would lose it completely again. like paul recieving a thorn in his flesh, i never realized how crippling it could be to lose something so simple-- the ability to talk, and even to sing/ worship--until it was gone.
but just as god spoke to paul in his weakness (while he had a thorn in his flesh) and told him "my grace is sufficient for you," i want that to be the same for me during my time of weakness. by his grace, each day is a new day. each day is another day that i am desperate for more of his grace to wash over my life, to sustain me, to keep me from falling, to remind me of his truths and his love. lord, where would i be without your grace? i would be long gone, i could not keep living.
yesterday i was talking to a friend and expressing my struggles to her, and she reminded me again that it is in my time of weakness that god will be strong. it is in my weakness that his power and his love will be made perfect in me. for the things that i used to be able to do so easily, i will now need to rely on his strength and his grace alone. now i cannot do anything without his grace. perhaps he wants me to emphasize loving people through actions, not just through words. perhaps this physical incapability is an opportunity for me to be solely dependent and desperate for god alone. i am reminded of how utterly weak/ incapable i am, how weak my flesh is,and even, how weak my faith is. but despite this struggle, there have been many times when god's grace would comfort me in my pain, when god's love would carry me through the night. these are the things that i want to recount, these are the thing i want to remember,these are the things i want to hold tightly onto. i want to blog later about and how i am discovering and rediscovering how weak i and how his grace has been sustaining me through this time.
i have yet to see how this whole situation will unfold. i have yet to see this struggle fully redeemed. living in the present of my circumstance, i cannot yet grasp god's perfect plan and redeeming love, how he will turn around all things bad and make all things new. but i know that when i look back on this time, when i have fully overcome this struggle, then i will understand and see how perfect god's plan is, and how his love carried me all the way through.
for now, i want to be content in my lack of understanding concerning my present condition, i want to trust fully and whole-heatedly in him even when i cant see, i want to praise and worship him even in my time of despair.
oh heart, remember that when I am weak, He is so, so strong.
let your grace be sufficient for me. i need your grace.
when god first showed me that I was in a season of wilderness, I had merely thought that I would be spiritually dry.
but oh, how I was so wrong.
the wilderness encompasses so much more—
for when Jesus was taken to the wilderness, he was alone; there he was tempted and tried-his season of all the possible temptations. it was there were he battled, took his sword of the spirit and shield of faith to ward off satan’s lies and temptations. it was in the wilderness where he became refined, where he learned obedience. it was also after he underwent his trial in which he emerged full time into hid calling and into his ministry of openly preaching, teaching, performing miracles, and proclaiming that he was the Son of God to all men.
This season for me is more of a wilderness than I realized. for I am overwhelmed with temptations that I had never knew existed inside of me. suddenly the desires for worldly pleasures has crept into my heart, seeped in ever so slightly and poisonously that I wasn’t aware of it until I started to fall into it. a lie had entered my mind... I wanted to sin, to even fall into extreme sins so that I could understand more fully the depth of my depravity and the magnitude of God’s sacrifice and grace. I wanted to be that ex-druggie or that ex-prostitute who was radically saved by Christ and who experienced God’s grace in a way that was unimaginable. There was one time this desire took hold of me so strongly that I wanted to hurt myself... please bear with me.
I don’t really know what to say or how to even explain what is going on. I am speechless. I don’t even know if i should be writing this on my blog, but I want to be open and vulnerable. but I will try to articulate these scattered and indescrible thoughts with as much clarity as I can...so heres my story. For the past 3 weeks I felt like I was walking in a cloud of darkness. I felt as if I had lost my satisfaction from god. His presence felt void in my life. Depression was looming over me—and because my relationship with god wasn’t right, nothing else was right. I had no joy... I didn’t even feel like I was living. I felt dead.
Bizarre thoughts would enter into my mind, and I would give way for these thoughts to take root. For a time I would constantly try to fight. At night I would battle certain temptations and wrong mindsets that I knew the enemy was seeping into my mind. other nights I would be too tired to fight—all I wanted to do was to ignore the reality of my problems and these newfound desires that started to take hold. I found myself worn out and weary of being in constant battle, not knowing fully how to use my sword. I began to question god—Lord, are you truly the best thing this world has to offer? Lord, are you truly the greatest satisfaction? Is knowing you truly the greatest joy? Truthfully, at times i didnt care about God, what He felt when I would choose not to pray or couldnt read the word. other times i would even ask God if i could go my own way, to see what life was like on the other side for a while and then come back to him. I was so cold.
being in the wilderness—is also a season of loneliness. in the wilderness, everything is the same dry, flat plain stretched out miles and miles on end. with a ground-view, from a human perspective, it seems impossible to see past the vast dessert of sandless nothing. I think for a while now ive been feeling like my life is the same...normal, routine. not that its bad for life to be a flat ground. but for me... I realized that it is quite unbearable, to be in this state of flatness, of dryness. it would be better if I went through extreme suffering so that god could show me his extreme glory. honestly, I do prefer the valleys and the mountains in my life, for those are the times I cling onto Christ harder, with more determination. I think maybe even this desire to experiment with extreme sin came from a loathing of normalcy, of passive consistency.
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Today during bible study as I was reading Revelations, the passage where god tells the angel to write to the church of Laodecia, I realized the condition of my heart. I was lukewarm. it had never really occurred to me... but I realized—Luke-warmness is ultimately not being completely content in god. God is most glorified when we are most satisfied in him. I began to realize the true condition of my passivity, and my desire to find satisfaction outside of god, to experiment with different and new things.
And I was sharing with my discipler, telling her that,
for me, to suffer is to be lukewarm, to not care of God’s love.
Because... in my eyes, it would not matter so much if I were to undergo physical affliction, torture or persecution if I was madly and deeply in love with god. Nothing that I could go through would matter because God would be my only passion, and that love would burn away everything else. What does suffering matter when one is deeply in love?
But when one is lukewarm... all of a sudden even the slightest problem in one’s life seems like a bigger giant.
and I came to the horrible conclusion...
that for the first time in my walk with jesus, I actually felt how it was like to be lukewarm. as I began to reminisce and tell my discipler how in love with god I used to be, I began to tear because I realized how cold and calloused my heart had become. How my once beating, pulsing, living heart of flesh has changed to a cold, unfeeling, unpenatrable stone. Last year whenever I would hear the gospel it would move me so deeply to tears. But now, I merely acknowledge what Christ did on the cross, no longer fully convicted by his love. Back then, my only only truly only desire was to know Him more. I wanted to share with everyone that crossed my path the love of God that transformed me inside and out. All I wanted to do was be intimate with God, and I desperately wanted everyone I knew to have the opportunity to experience the greatest love in the entire realm of history. jesus was EVERYTHING to me. he was my greatest desire, and nothing, truly nothing mattered more. I was ready to take this precious gospel with me unto death.
but now...
sadly, I cannot fully say... that god is my greatest desire. I want him to be. what has become of me? Sometimes when I pray, “lord I want to know you more, I want to be with you” –it is because I want a desire to hunger for god, I want a desire to want to be with Him. But is this a prayer that is truly from my heart? Do I truly desire more of him, or do I just know that i should have more of him, which compels me to pray this prayer? I am realizing more and more the true conditions of my heart. I feel so disobedient, so unworthy, far from him. I have lost my child-like youthful innocence and simplicity. I have become tainted with the experiences of life, tainted with my disbelief, with lies--so hardened, oh so hardened.
How should I end this?
Well, all I can say is that I am glad that when God rebukes the church in Laodecia(Rev 3), he doesn’t merely leave them nakedly exposed in the wretched condition that they are. He doesn’t just rebuke them for their hardened hearts, for their deceived minds and their self-indulgence and self-dependence. No.... he extends an offering of intimacy to them—
“I stand at the door and knock; if anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and will eat with him, and he will eat with me.“
(Rev 3:20)
Here God shows us that HE is the one knocking on the doors of the hardened believer/ lukewarm heart. HE is the one who is pursuing them for a deeper relationship. And if we open the door, if we give Jesus permission to come into our hearts, he will then come and eat with us, and we with him (a place of intimacy where what we have is Jesus’ and what He has is ours, a place where things are shared). The lukewarm believer need not remain in this condition if he were to just open his heart!
After giving this invitation, God furthermore extends a promise—
“ He who overcomes, I will grant him to sit beside Me on My throne, as I Myself overcame and sat down beside My Father on His throne.”
I think I am slowly coming out of this dryness. But how long I shall be in the wilderness, I am not sure. In this time of darkness, I want to cling on more firmly to God’s promises and truths. I do not want the spirit of disbelief to reside in me any longer, but I want the holy spirit to shine upon the word and illuminate these truths to me, so that I can cleave onto God’s promises and believe with all my heart that God will see me through, and that He is faithful to help me overcome.
please... brothers and sisters if any of you are reading this, please intercede. thank you so much for sharing my burdens with me.
An act of faith is a heart of praise.
As i was struggling with my sins a few nights ago and I felt helpless to ward it because I'd been having to battle this certain struggle for a time now, God reminded me of this simple truth.
wow.... I had almost wanted to go to bed, not willing to fight, and desiring to simply close my eyes and ignore this feeling that had come upon me. But as I was saying a short prayer, the lord simply reminded me what faith is.
and truly, isn’t faith simply trusting god despite whatever hardships and pain and struggles that we go through? and so then is giving praise not the highest form of faith when one is being put through the fire of trials and circumstance? Doesn’t thanking god for the struggles that we face demonstrate a strong trust in Him--in his perfect and pleasing will, in His path laid out for us, in His ability to deliver us from our sufferings?
And so when god spoke this to my heart, I was overcome and I started thanking God for my situation, for truly God placed this struggle in my life for my good. Thank you lord, that you gave me the privilegdge to struggle through this, because I know you will deliver me because you are mighty to save. Thank you Lord for giving me this burden because when I fully overcome this by your grace, I can then help others who struggle with this sin as well. Thank you Lord, for putting trials and suffering in my life because I know that they only draw me closer to you, to depend on you more. Thank you lord, thank you...
As i began to thank the lord, the burden on my heart started to lessen. and so I asked God,
Lord, please give me a verse that I can read so that I can hold on to your promise. Lord I want to hold onto your truths...
He then led me to Luke 11--
"So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you;seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened. "Which of you fathers, if your son asks for a fish, will give him a snake instead? Or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!"
-(Luke 11:7-13)
And as I was reading this, the lord spoke to me and said,
joyce, when have you ever asked, and never received?
when have you ever sought me, and never found?
At this realization I began to tear, for the Lord started bringing to my memory of all the many answered wonderful prayers, all the miracles he’s done, and the matchless, unconditional love and grace he’s poured over and over and over again onto my life. And everytime I sought, I have always found. Evrerytime Ive asked... god really has given... even though I really don’t deserve it.
Lord... I really cant recall a time where you left me, remained silent, dealt with me with impatience, or did not provide for me everything that i needed and asked for...
you have even given me so much more than I have asked, so much more than i even deserve! and lord... I believe you are faithful to see me through and deliver me, because you have always been more than faithful to me, and you will remain faithful til the end.
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today god confirmed to me again through a verse that truly thanksgiving is the best way to break any stronghold in my life, and even in the lives of others.
"Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings,because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."
(romans 5:3-5)
wow... to think upon this paradox--we rejoice when we suffer. when we actually do this, the problem isnt a problem anymore, but is instead transformed into something that can bring more glory and more honour, something that is welcomed and accepted, not spurned and despised. The suffering is actually beautiful now in light of this, because when we share in Christ's suffering, we share all the more in His surpassing glory.
Truly, it is a blessing to suffer, for it is the only way to go from Glory to higher Glory –by overcoming one trial to another. The bigger the trials, the greater the glory.
Amen.
This week is byfar one of the weirdest/ hardest weeks ive had thus far.
I don’t really know where to start…
So I guess ill just begin with last week…for some reason I was having suicidal thoughts. I know this sounds morbid and scary, but I don’t know how to describe what im going through without telling this part as well. I had come back from a worship/ prayer time at PIHOP, and all of a sudden I was consumed with dark thoughts… I wanted to die, and didn’t want to live anymore, I hated the people around me, I just wanted to be alone. And I thought, “why am I feeling this way? This doesn’t make any sense…” I really didn’t know what was happening and I was too tired to fight so I went to sleep asking god to take these thoughts/ feelings of bitter negativity away from me. I woke up the next morning, still not feeling refreshed, a sense of heaviness still weighing upon my heart. The whole week was just… weird. Battling daily, fighting, being wounded by the devil’s sword, praying, and not knowing what was wrong with me, being overwhelmed with emotions ive never felt before.
Last weekend I stayed in Irvine because I needed to do a group project, so I couldn’t go home (which I usually try to come home every weekend to attend my home church and see my family). Whenever I am in irvine, I visit this church called Blessed, and every time I have went I truly have been blessed with the Lords love and presence, and just by the people there. Then during prayer time, the pastor came up and said, “I sense that some of you are struggling with the spirit of death, and that it has been plaguing you over this past week. If you need prayer raised your hand.”
And when he said that, I thought to myself, “omygosh… so that’s what ive been battling through this whole week… a spirit of death.” With the new clarity I had received, I raised my hand to receive prayer.afterwards I met up with my friends from vegas (they had come to visit cali and came to Blessed as well) and I told Ron how the prayer really touched my heart and the how pastor was spot on. Ron then received a word of knowledge from god, in which he told me that the reason why im struggling with his is because I was advancing in the spirit, and Satan felt threatened so he is trying to hinder my relationship with God. But more importantly, my friend told me that the main reason why I have a spirit of death is because someone around me is struggling with this, and that they are unable to pray so God gave me this burden so that I can intercede on their behalf. When ron told me this, I was struck. a few people came to my mind, so afterwards I prayed for them, not really knowing what to do.
The next day on Monday I was still trying to grapple with my thoughts when my friend called me to tell me she was coming to pick me up to go to JHOP (Irvine’s house of prayer, J stands for Jericho). Right after I got off the phone with her, I was overwhelmed with an intense feeling of unrest; my spirit was not at peace at all. I tried to pray it off, but I couldn’t shake the feeling off of me and I was thinking, Lord, why am I feeling this?? This doesn’t make any sense… God is there something wrong with me? What are you trying to show me? Later when my friend picked me up and I got in her car, I told her what I was struggling with, and about my weekend and how God was trying t help me feel other peoples emotions in order for me to better intercede for them. If I can feel the spirit of death from other people, then perhaps people’s emotions transfer onto me and im able to feel them as well? After I finished talking, she looked at me and was completely silent.
“omg jamie… what are you feeling right now?”
“im sorry joyce… I think youre feeling my emotions right now. I really have this spirit of fear, and ive not been at peace because its overwhelming me”
So after this car ride it became more obvious to me that perhaps a lot of other weird thoughts ive been having might not actually be of me, but God trying to help me become aware of other’s emotions. When I stepped into Jhop, I wanted just to rest in his presence and have the Lord’s peace wash over all the anxiety and weariness that I had been wrestling with that day. But when I tried to worship God, I couldn’t. There was this extreme pressure on my chest, and I couldn’t find it in my heart to bring myself to worship Him. I tried to pray it off, but surprisingly, I found that I couldn’t even bring myself to pray, much less speak his name out loud.
“okay Lord… something is definitely very wrong. God I don’t know whether this is my feelings/ something wrong with me, and attack from satan, or someone else emotions.” I sat there for a while not knowing what to do, feeling a bit helpless. “lord… please help me… I don’t know how to pray at this moment…”
“just pray”
“but I cant lord, I cant even open my mouth to pray to you”
“just pray”
“okay, alright god… If I pray and this thing goes away, then that means that this someone else’s burden”
After this I prayed for a while, and when I stopped praying I noticed the pressure on my chest was completely gone. At that moment I realized that someone in the room was struggling with the inability to worship God, so I asked the people around me if they needed prayer.
All this took place Sunday/ Monday.
The rest of my week started going more downhill… for some reason I just didn’t have any desire at all to spend time with god. I didn’t want to talk to him, and I just wanted to ignore him. It was completely bizarre. I did not even touch my bible this whole week, much less pray. My prayers were basically… measly ten minutes, prayers to the air, a prayer “just to pray”… if that makes sense. I couldn’t comprehend what was going on, and why my heart was so hardened. It was so horrific... i felt as if my spirit was literally dying inside of me.
The thing that scares me even more is that sometimes its really hard for me to discern whether the things im struggling with/ the emotions im receiving is really of me or someone elses’. And when I receive things that I normally don’t feel, my first thought is, “ something must be wrong with me.” The lines become blurred and suddenly, someone else’s emotions really mistakenly become mine, and I become overwhelmed with these weird thoughts/ feelings that im having. As my friend was praying for me a few days ago, God was giving me a lot of clarity concerning my situation and told me that what He has given me—the ability to literally feel what other people are feeling—is a gift to bless others, but that satan has been putting a lot of fear into my heart and trying to confuse/ distract me.
So on Friday, God showed me who exactly was struggling with the spirit of death.
That’s a whole other story but I think for now… if those of you who are reading could pray on behalf of my friend-- she is really struggling with so much...-- that she may come to the full revelation of the depth, height, width, and length of God's perfect love for her, and to believe that God is still with her.
and also for me, that god may give me a spirit of wisdom, discernment and love so I can really properly use this gift to reach out to others in the way that God wants me to. Im still not sure why I have such a complacent/ hardened heart right now but I think god’s clarity is so crucial so that I may not be overwhelmed with all these different thoughts and emotions that are invading me, but that I may be able to utilize this gift so that i may intercede on behalf of others with all my heart, mind, strength, and soul.
